[Agree to disagree, Bellamy. Hiro's unable to really grasp what he's saying but maybe later he'll agree with him. For now though he's more focused on what's happening here and what he's asking the older guy.
So. When Bellamy mentions exactly what he's thinking Hiro fixes him with a flat sort of look before his hand digs into the ground next to him, fistful of leaves suddenly flying toward Bellamy's face.]
So you do know what I'm asking you. [He rolls his eyes.] ...Jason called and he told me that Clarke told him about a certain dream she had last night. You had it, too? I didn't get a ton of the details.
[To say he wasn't expecting leaves to be thrown in his face is an understatement. Had he not realized what Hiro was doing, that sort of gesture and toss might've caused him to react more defensively - instead he just gets one look at Hiro's face, and his own breaks into the smallest of grins.]
No, I didn't know, but it's the second time Clarke and I had that dream. We thought it'd be a good idea to ask you about it.
[But then he just kind of launches into it. Neither of them are sleeping, the dream is important - there's no point in keeping it from Hiro.] It was a bunch of mechanical monsters. Presumably built by dwarves, but they're just - wrecking everything in their path. Spreading fire, targeting spires, and it looked like they definitely had shards for eyes. You get any sign of that when you poked around?
[There are more details he could give if asked, but he already looks pretty alarmed by rehashing the small bit so far.]
[He's pouting. He knows he's pouting but he also doesn't realize the way that he's comfortable around Bellamy right now, the way he's let his guard drop entirely and the way he's closing the distance half-tempted to dump more leaves on Bellamy's head.
The real reason he's getting closer though is to lower his voice. He doesn't trust Glaschu and he sure as hell doesn't want anyone hearing about this particular piece of the puzzle.]
Yeah...? Jason mentioned that. [There's an awkward, almost guilty pause.] I...haven't had a chance to go look yet. [That's the problem. After Quendi, things kinda go out of hand.] As soon as we get back to Dorchadas, I'm gonna grab Loki and we have to go. We can't wait any longer.
[He scrubs a hand over his face, blinking sleepily but powering through it for the time being. This is too important.] What else did you see? I need to know what we're really looking for.
[If he's noticed Hiro moving closer, there's no sign of it. Instead, he just pulls out a knife and cuts his finger, drawing a silence rune on the tree behind them. Just in case.]
I wasn't sure if you might've seen hints of it, when you tried talking to the dwarves the last time.
[Don't think he doesn't notice the sudden sullenness. He kind of wishes they didn't have to talk about this right now, not when Hiro's already in a not so great state, but there's no way to let it go, especially if Hiro's going there soon.]
They were built of shit like cogs and gears. The sounds they made - like iron meeting steel, nothing animal or humanlike, and they looked a little dragonlike, especially in the mouth. Everything was already on fire in the dream, but I'm pretty sure the machines had to be most of the cause.
[It's better not to point it out anyway just in case he realized it and backed away. He shakes his head though in response.]
I didn't get inside the city when I talked to them last time, just Redgate. I didn't want to push my luck before I even established anything, but you've heard the rumors, right? They're kicking everybody out. It's gonna be even harder to get inside now.
[He's burying a hand in his hair, tugging a little partially to keep himself awake and partially to keep himself grounded. He doesn't like the sound of this. Judging from some of the things he did learn about the dwarves and knowing that a certain Seelie had an apprenticeship there and was learning certain things, he doesn't like the idea at all.]
There's nothing proving that it's them making these things. [...but who else could it be, realistically?] We also don't know the vision's gonna come true. [It's clear he's starting to be a little more freaked out by the idea though.] ...if Loki and I get in, we'll keep an eye out. I'm just really, really hoping they're only dreams and not another thing we've gotta worry about.
[He's heard the rumors, and he hates to say it kind of lines up. If they're kicking people out, it means they're doing something they don't want anyone to see.]
[He doesn't like the idea of Hiro going there now either, especially in the wake of the difficulties, but -] When you go, take my knife. The teleporting one. I want you to be able to get out of there fast.
[He can deal without having it for a day or so, if it means Hiro has a means of escape.]
Some of the visions people've had in the past have come true, or started to come true, or've been partially true. I don't like that we've had this one again, months after the first time back in February.
You're right. It doesn't necessarily mean it's an absolute, but it'd be stupid to not be cautious. If they're making monsters with shards for eyes, it means they've built up a collection of shards too.
[He has Clarke's teleportation ring now, but he knows if he and Loki are both going they're going to need a fast out, just in case. He doesn't want to argue it and honestly? Any extra security is good.] Definitely. And I'll bring it back...promise. [It's also his way of saying he promises to get out of there alive. He hopes. He nods in agreement, sinking further into his sweater as he thinks on that. Has anyone ever told him that? He's not sure now.]
I don't like that it's reoccurring either. I've got a few people I could ask but...[Well, they're Seelie. He's not going to even try just yet.] We're going to be really cautious until we figure out what's going on, and probably even more so when we have the answers. [A beat.] What bugs me is the fact that they have shards for eyes. If that's true...where did the dwarves get the shards in the first place? If they're the ones really making these things.
[And why are they making them is the other question.]
[He nods once, recognizing it for the promise it is.] Try not to lose it. [That part's teasing.]
[Bellamy absently wipes his bleeding finger and hand on his pants.] Your guess is as good as mine, though hopefully you'll end up with more than a guess.
Feels like just about every side is after shards. If the dwarves've got a hoard, it makes me wonder how long they've been collecting, or who might be handing them over. They pretty much lock themselves away and hate people, right? Hard to imagine them shard hunting.
Very funny. You've gotta trust me at least a little more than that. [But even before Bellamy can really just wipe off his finger Hiro's grabbing his hand, hardly thinking anything of it as he uses a bit of his healing magic to close the small cut.]
If I come out of there with only a guess, the whole thing's gonna be for nothing. [And he refuses to let it be so.] I had that same thought. It's not so much that they hate people but they totally believe shardbearer business is shardbearer business. They'll do whatever it takes to keep themselves protected though. That's the thing. If they think this is the best way...it makes you wonder what they know or what they think that's making them so desperate. But I wanna know who's handing them over, too. Other shardbearers? The Cult? We have too many options.
[He does, though. If he hadn't trusted Hiro, he wouldn't have made the offer in the first place. Only when the kid heals him does he remember he was bleeding, too used to worse, but it's enough to distract him from that area of conversation.]
[Dryly:] The world is ending. Pretty sure that makes anyone take it up a level in what they feel is necessary to survival. [And, you know, even when it's not technically ending, but the Void looming certainly hammers that home.] Maybe they just think Shardbearers suck at this point like half the rest of the population does.
[He lets out an exhausted, bitter sigh.] Wouldn't be surprised if it was the Cult, to be honest.
We aren't gonna get answers now, just - keep it all in mind, when you go looking.
Pre-emptive strike in a way. [The world sure is ending. It's a fact they've known for some time now with the way the Void loomed but it was something they all managed to ignore for a small time while fixated on other things. It's much harder to ignore now.] The Natives think we suck because members of the Cult and some of the Seelie have told them we suck, more or less. I'm getting really sick of fighting off multiple things.
But I'm always keeping them in mind. For all we know, we're going to be among them in the riots tomorrow. Maybe that's what worries me a little more. We never know.
Hell of a preemptive strike. [Once upon a time, he might have mourned Hiro's age with how beaten down he sounds, but he's used to it, and not even in a cynical way. Keeping track of multiple fronts is always difficult, especially when it's someone that young - but they do it anyway. He's seen it too much.]
The Cult can be anywhere. Wouldn't be surprised if they're helping instigate the riots. [He really hopes they aren't there though - he'd rather them not pick him out of the crowd.]
[He nudges Hiro a little with his elbow.] Cult's not keeping you awake with everything else, is it?
[He says it vaguely sympathetically. Bellamy is more than familiar what that feelings is like.]
Tell me about it. [He runs a hand through his hair again. He doesn't expect Bellamy to feel bad for him. He's not even sure how he feels about all of these things. It's a lot and it's building and stacking, threatening to overwhelm him entirely...but he's fine for now.] It'd be good cover for them, really. Get everyone's attention off of them so they can execute their next attack. People use distraction tactics all the time. I've seen it before.
[Like when Callaghan used the fire as an excuse to steal Hiro's microbots, for instance.
The little nudge brings him back to reality though and he looks up at Bellamy with wide eyes. For a moment it's so startlingly familiar that he's not sure what to do and he stares before reminding himself that despite how it may seem sometimes, Bellamy isn't Tadashi. There's a deep inhale as he debates how to answer, if he wants to give him the truth or just a lie of omission. In the end, he shakes his head.]
Sort of. There's a ton of stuff to think about here and that includes the Cult. [He's really only addressed this with Jason before, and even then it was more Jason knew because Jason understood. Actually verbalizing it is a whole other animal.] Sleeping's always been a little weird since Tadashi died, even though it's been almost two years if you count the time we've spent here.
[He doesn't outright say it, but it should be enough to let Bellamy know just how recent Tadashi's death is.] Sometimes I still dream about home. Sometimes they're good dreams, and sometimes they're not. That's all.
[He frowns a little, briefly wondering what specifically Hiro has seen, but he doesn't ask.] Distraction works. It's old as hell, but there's a reason it's still around as a tactic. The important part is picking up on when it's being used on you.
[There's a small moment of hesitation when Hiro looks up at him like that, but at least it doesn't scare him. It doesn't even make him uncomfortable. When Hiro starts talking about Tadashi though - Bellamy's body sinks, not in uncertainty but just recognition of the moment for what it is. And he listens.]
You realize how vague that sounds, right? [The words are dismissive strung together like that, but his tone is concerned. Two years, and Tadashi died right before Hiro got yanked into another world. He kind of has the urge to just drop a blanket on the kid's head.] That's not all there is to it. You keeping awake like you are these last nights isn't a 'sometimes bad dream.'
[It's experience he speaks from and a hint of commiseration. Bellamy has spent a very long time with his nightmares.] I didn't sleep for weeks, after my mom was floated and Octavia was arrested. You don't have to pretend everything is fine.
That's the part I'm still working on, but I like to think I'm getting kinda better at it. Thing about the Drabwurld is that it's full of surprises. [Life in general is, really.
It's a little awkward still, mostly because he's still testing the waters of what is and isn't going to push Bellamy's buttons. Jason it's much easier to tell. Clarke he's not sure has buttons when it comes to him. But Bellamy's someone he (lately) admires quite a bit and the idea of accidentally messing that up isn't settling. Especially not now. He knows it's vague though so there's a little huff under his breath.]
No, but if I think about all there is to it, how'm I supposed to keep moving forward and focus on what's happening here? [It's a rhetorical question, mostly.] But I get it even though I think you're wrong still. It's not pretending if I acknowledge it when there's time. And...right now there isn't. [Not while they're on a mission. Still, there's a beat.] ...Bell? Did you watch your mom get floated?
[Again, not noticing he's shortened Bellamy's name. Oh well.]
I'll work on it with you, next time we get to training. [It's a casual offer, even Bellamy's tone is careless about it. It's a nonissue.]
[He frowns. Hiro is right, and Bellamy is plenty guilty of doing the same thing, refusing to acknowledge when he's not okay, especially if there are more pressing matters.] No, you're right. It's harder when the time isn't there. But you don't have to pretend right now.
[He doesn't answer the question right away. His eyebrows scrunch, and he's pointedly not looking at Hiro. Only belatedly does he realize what the kid's called him, and it's the nickname usage that has him answering honestly.] No. I wasn't allowed to be there.
[Since he wasn't the parent, there was no law that would float him. But he kept Octavia hidden alongside his mother. He was punished in other ways (no visitation to his sister, a demotion, a quiet empty apartment), that sometimes the floating felt like the kinder option.]
Whatever else I can do to arm myself is what I'll do. [Casual though it may be, he takes anything Bellamy offers to be very serious. He knows they're cut from the same pattern and have plenty of the same mannerisms, especially when it comes to things bothering them. When Bellamy tells him he doesn't have to pretend that he's fine, he hesitates, unsure of what that really means.
The hesitation seems to bring him the awareness needed to realize what he's done, and for a moment he looks a little embarrassed. He doesn't let that expression stay long though when Bellamy answers his question honestly.]
Maybe that would have been worse...not know what really happened. [A beat. And then:] ...there was a fire at our college during the big tech expo. I was presenting one of my inventions hoping to get accepted to the school, but right after that a really huge fire broke out and we heard that one of Tadashi's professors was trapped in the building. I tried to stop Tadashi from running back inside but he pulled away and ran up the stairs to the expo hall. [Bellamy can guess how the rest of this went. Tadashi exploded, and Hiro watched.]
That was the last time I saw him. Sometimes I still dream about it. Sometimes I wonder if I fought harder if I could have stopped him from running inside. [A deep breath.] I tried to follow him but I didn't get far before things made it impossible to go after him. But I--we're in the Drabwurld. That's why I push past it.
[His voice goes quiet.] I know what happened, even if I didn't see it firsthand. [Stories of what happens when someone is floated were circulated as long as Bellamy could remember.]
[But. But then Hiro keeps talking. It isn't hard to figure out where the story goes, to pick up on the fact that the last time Hiro saw his brother, Tadashi was walking into a ticking time bomb. Bellamy has seen plenty of deaths in his life, has caused some of those deaths (shoving bullets into necks, strangling necks, the noose around his own neck). But nothing to that extent. He can't possibly fucking imagine watching Octavia die. He's done a lot of stupid shit to prevent that.]
[He can also imagine himself in Tadashi's shoes, on some level. He's done a lot of stupid shit to keep people alive too, and for a moment, he thinks about trading himself for Jasper.]
It's not your fault. [A beat.] Don't beat yourself up over not being able to save him, okay?
[He hesitates, because - he knows what he wants to say, though it's not like he ever talks about this sort of thing much. But he thinks it might help, for Hiro to hear it, for him to know he's not alone, even if it's not entirely the same.] I dream about death all the time. Things back home, even if I am in the Drabwurld - it's still with me here. Don't push passed it to the point where it makes you numb, or makes living with it worse.
I can't tell you it'll go away. It might not ever. But it doesn't mean suck up and deal is the only option all the time.
[Maybe it would have been worse to only know things from second-hand stories. Maybe it's worse to see it first-hand. This isn't a pissing contest and he knows it because at the end of the day both of them had lost people they were so close to and that they would trade the world for. It's why he trusts Bellamy with this story in particular, something he hasn't spoken of much in his time in the Drabwurld.
It's also for that reason that he chooses to continue. He shrinks into his sweater, almost trying to make himself disappear even as he continues to talk.]
He didn't listen to me. [The tone's very quiet, like he still can't believe it after all this time.] I told him not to go in there and he didn't listen to me. ["I begged him not to leave." It's an idle thought, something that's stayed with him for a while. It's not so much beating himself up over not being able to save Tadashi, but it's about not being able to stop him and also slight bitterness that Tadashi did it anyway. It was only after he jumped through the portal to rescue Abigail that he truly understood.
…and speaking of Abigail…one step at a time, Hiro.]
Anyway, I already tried that. Pushing past it? I tried that for a while back home and didn't talk to anybody because everything would have been fine if I just…[Ignored it? Willed the misery away? He's not sure what he was thinking.] I thought it'd work back there and I thought it'd work here, and I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but. [There's a pause…and he settles for sort of burrowing his face into his sweater.] I don't know how else to deal with it. Everybody around here has problems and they handle things just fine. [Better.] I'm trying to get there instead of following the path I did back home. How does everybody else deal with this stuff?
[Bellamy's face falls, and he just thinks about Octavia; about her cries to leave their apartment, about her cries when she didn't know any better, about the quiet way Hiro speaks and the way it reminds Bellamy that sometimes there's so little he can do for the people he cares about. He can't bring Tadashi back, and he doesn't know the precise way to get Hiro to stop beating himself over it. It's one of his own traits.]
Maybe you just don't see them handling it. [A beat.] Everyone - we all deal with these things differently. I don't have a single answer for you. I think we all try to ignore them, but in the end, it's still impossible to escape.
[He watches Hiro steadily, trying to figure out where to go, what to say from here. The hardest part is how open it makes him. But reassuring Hiro seems to outweigh his discomfort.] I've made too many mistakes. I can't - take them back. I just try to do better. You tried to stop your brother, Hiro, but it isn't your fault that you couldn't.
If you don't know what to do, how to deal with it - [He breathes in a little.] What would Tadashi do? I think about my mother, what she'd expect or want for me. I think about what I want of me.
It isn't the same. [Bellamy's demons are corpses he put in the ground; Hiro's are wrapped up in a brother he couldn't save.] And maybe no one is actually dealing with it, but we're trying anyway. I've had nightmares the whole time I've been here. It's - people. It's my sister, it's Clarke, I think about them. I talk to them.
We have to keep living. Nobody is a machine, no matter how hard we might want to be sometimes. You can't sleep. So stop pretending otherwise, stop hiding it, and go from there.
[Bellamy's trying and that's all Hiro can really ask right now. He's trying hard to help and it makes him feel both sad and grateful and he's actively listening, even if he's still trying to burrow into his hoodie.
Maybe nobody's good at handling anything. There's too much happening all the time in this world, let alone the baggage people brought from home. Tadashi...would try to help those people. That's the thing. Tadashi would try to help those people and he'd be selfless in his own issues. That's always how Tadashi's been while Hiro's been selfish. But it's a nice thought and it's...good to know he isn't alone in that regard. He finally sighs, nodding in response as he finally just sort of slides and almost lays on his side to curl into a ball.]
...fine. I can't sleep and it's only partially because of nightmares. Happy?
[He frowns. Not because of Hiro's reaction, but just because of the whole situation. Hiro's still young. He's a teenager. And Bellamy has spent far too much time with teenagers who get overwhelmed by nightmares.]
No. I'm not happy - but I'm glad you're not gonna try hiding it for the rest of this trip. I - sometimes it's easier to deal with, if you just acknowledge it. [He hunches over, not laying down himself, but getting a little more comfortable.] Get up and walk around for five minutes, if you need to. Don't sit there with your thoughts.
[He doesn't really want to acknowledge it, but he's reached the point where he'll at least listen to what Bellamy says. Clarke told him to listen to Bellamy and stick close. She probably didn't know that it would include this, too.]
Yeah...I might do that. I'll stay inside our perimeters though, promise. [He huffs lightly then.] ...but until I figure out how to fix things it's not going to stop. So I need to work on that, too. [He's not exactly explaining what "that" is, but it's hard to talk about still.] ...thanks, Bellamy.
I know. I'm sorry there isn't an instant fix or solution for you. [He sighs quietly.] Feels like it might be a lifetime process sometimes - but even slow process is better than stagnation. Recognize it. Start from there.
[A beat, where he feels awkward for a moment over the thank you; he never really expects these things.] Don't mention it. Just - try to get a few hours, if you can. We'll need our energy.
For sure. [To both of those things. He knows Bellamy's right, at least, and he can't argue with that. So instead he's just going to focus on settling down.] Same goes for you though. It's not gonna do me any good to be rested up if you're dragging us down.
[It's a teasing tone, but it's clear that he's very serious about Bellamy getting sleep, too.] Slow progress and all.
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So. When Bellamy mentions exactly what he's thinking Hiro fixes him with a flat sort of look before his hand digs into the ground next to him, fistful of leaves suddenly flying toward Bellamy's face.]
So you do know what I'm asking you. [He rolls his eyes.] ...Jason called and he told me that Clarke told him about a certain dream she had last night. You had it, too? I didn't get a ton of the details.
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No, I didn't know, but it's the second time Clarke and I had that dream. We thought it'd be a good idea to ask you about it.
[But then he just kind of launches into it. Neither of them are sleeping, the dream is important - there's no point in keeping it from Hiro.] It was a bunch of mechanical monsters. Presumably built by dwarves, but they're just - wrecking everything in their path. Spreading fire, targeting spires, and it looked like they definitely had shards for eyes. You get any sign of that when you poked around?
[There are more details he could give if asked, but he already looks pretty alarmed by rehashing the small bit so far.]
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The real reason he's getting closer though is to lower his voice. He doesn't trust Glaschu and he sure as hell doesn't want anyone hearing about this particular piece of the puzzle.]
Yeah...? Jason mentioned that. [There's an awkward, almost guilty pause.] I...haven't had a chance to go look yet. [That's the problem. After Quendi, things kinda go out of hand.] As soon as we get back to Dorchadas, I'm gonna grab Loki and we have to go. We can't wait any longer.
[He scrubs a hand over his face, blinking sleepily but powering through it for the time being. This is too important.] What else did you see? I need to know what we're really looking for.
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I wasn't sure if you might've seen hints of it, when you tried talking to the dwarves the last time.
[Don't think he doesn't notice the sudden sullenness. He kind of wishes they didn't have to talk about this right now, not when Hiro's already in a not so great state, but there's no way to let it go, especially if Hiro's going there soon.]
They were built of shit like cogs and gears. The sounds they made - like iron meeting steel, nothing animal or humanlike, and they looked a little dragonlike, especially in the mouth. Everything was already on fire in the dream, but I'm pretty sure the machines had to be most of the cause.
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I didn't get inside the city when I talked to them last time, just Redgate. I didn't want to push my luck before I even established anything, but you've heard the rumors, right? They're kicking everybody out. It's gonna be even harder to get inside now.
[He's burying a hand in his hair, tugging a little partially to keep himself awake and partially to keep himself grounded. He doesn't like the sound of this. Judging from some of the things he did learn about the dwarves and knowing that a certain Seelie had an apprenticeship there and was learning certain things, he doesn't like the idea at all.]
There's nothing proving that it's them making these things. [...but who else could it be, realistically?] We also don't know the vision's gonna come true. [It's clear he's starting to be a little more freaked out by the idea though.] ...if Loki and I get in, we'll keep an eye out. I'm just really, really hoping they're only dreams and not another thing we've gotta worry about.
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[He doesn't like the idea of Hiro going there now either, especially in the wake of the difficulties, but -] When you go, take my knife. The teleporting one. I want you to be able to get out of there fast.
[He can deal without having it for a day or so, if it means Hiro has a means of escape.]
Some of the visions people've had in the past have come true, or started to come true, or've been partially true. I don't like that we've had this one again, months after the first time back in February.
You're right. It doesn't necessarily mean it's an absolute, but it'd be stupid to not be cautious. If they're making monsters with shards for eyes, it means they've built up a collection of shards too.
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I don't like that it's reoccurring either. I've got a few people I could ask but...[Well, they're Seelie. He's not going to even try just yet.] We're going to be really cautious until we figure out what's going on, and probably even more so when we have the answers. [A beat.] What bugs me is the fact that they have shards for eyes. If that's true...where did the dwarves get the shards in the first place? If they're the ones really making these things.
[And why are they making them is the other question.]
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[Bellamy absently wipes his bleeding finger and hand on his pants.] Your guess is as good as mine, though hopefully you'll end up with more than a guess.
Feels like just about every side is after shards. If the dwarves've got a hoard, it makes me wonder how long they've been collecting, or who might be handing them over. They pretty much lock themselves away and hate people, right? Hard to imagine them shard hunting.
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If I come out of there with only a guess, the whole thing's gonna be for nothing. [And he refuses to let it be so.] I had that same thought. It's not so much that they hate people but they totally believe shardbearer business is shardbearer business. They'll do whatever it takes to keep themselves protected though. That's the thing. If they think this is the best way...it makes you wonder what they know or what they think that's making them so desperate. But I wanna know who's handing them over, too. Other shardbearers? The Cult? We have too many options.
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[Dryly:] The world is ending. Pretty sure that makes anyone take it up a level in what they feel is necessary to survival. [And, you know, even when it's not technically ending, but the Void looming certainly hammers that home.] Maybe they just think Shardbearers suck at this point like half the rest of the population does.
[He lets out an exhausted, bitter sigh.] Wouldn't be surprised if it was the Cult, to be honest.
We aren't gonna get answers now, just - keep it all in mind, when you go looking.
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But I'm always keeping them in mind. For all we know, we're going to be among them in the riots tomorrow. Maybe that's what worries me a little more. We never know.
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The Cult can be anywhere. Wouldn't be surprised if they're helping instigate the riots. [He really hopes they aren't there though - he'd rather them not pick him out of the crowd.]
[He nudges Hiro a little with his elbow.] Cult's not keeping you awake with everything else, is it?
[He says it vaguely sympathetically. Bellamy is more than familiar what that feelings is like.]
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[Like when Callaghan used the fire as an excuse to steal Hiro's microbots, for instance.
The little nudge brings him back to reality though and he looks up at Bellamy with wide eyes. For a moment it's so startlingly familiar that he's not sure what to do and he stares before reminding himself that despite how it may seem sometimes, Bellamy isn't Tadashi. There's a deep inhale as he debates how to answer, if he wants to give him the truth or just a lie of omission. In the end, he shakes his head.]
Sort of. There's a ton of stuff to think about here and that includes the Cult. [He's really only addressed this with Jason before, and even then it was more Jason knew because Jason understood. Actually verbalizing it is a whole other animal.] Sleeping's always been a little weird since Tadashi died, even though it's been almost two years if you count the time we've spent here.
[He doesn't outright say it, but it should be enough to let Bellamy know just how recent Tadashi's death is.] Sometimes I still dream about home. Sometimes they're good dreams, and sometimes they're not. That's all.
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[There's a small moment of hesitation when Hiro looks up at him like that, but at least it doesn't scare him. It doesn't even make him uncomfortable. When Hiro starts talking about Tadashi though - Bellamy's body sinks, not in uncertainty but just recognition of the moment for what it is. And he listens.]
You realize how vague that sounds, right? [The words are dismissive strung together like that, but his tone is concerned. Two years, and Tadashi died right before Hiro got yanked into another world. He kind of has the urge to just drop a blanket on the kid's head.] That's not all there is to it. You keeping awake like you are these last nights isn't a 'sometimes bad dream.'
[It's experience he speaks from and a hint of commiseration. Bellamy has spent a very long time with his nightmares.] I didn't sleep for weeks, after my mom was floated and Octavia was arrested. You don't have to pretend everything is fine.
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It's a little awkward still, mostly because he's still testing the waters of what is and isn't going to push Bellamy's buttons. Jason it's much easier to tell. Clarke he's not sure has buttons when it comes to him. But Bellamy's someone he (lately) admires quite a bit and the idea of accidentally messing that up isn't settling. Especially not now. He knows it's vague though so there's a little huff under his breath.]
No, but if I think about all there is to it, how'm I supposed to keep moving forward and focus on what's happening here? [It's a rhetorical question, mostly.] But I get it even though I think you're wrong still. It's not pretending if I acknowledge it when there's time. And...right now there isn't. [Not while they're on a mission. Still, there's a beat.] ...Bell? Did you watch your mom get floated?
[Again, not noticing he's shortened Bellamy's name. Oh well.]
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[He frowns. Hiro is right, and Bellamy is plenty guilty of doing the same thing, refusing to acknowledge when he's not okay, especially if there are more pressing matters.] No, you're right. It's harder when the time isn't there. But you don't have to pretend right now.
[He doesn't answer the question right away. His eyebrows scrunch, and he's pointedly not looking at Hiro. Only belatedly does he realize what the kid's called him, and it's the nickname usage that has him answering honestly.] No. I wasn't allowed to be there.
[Since he wasn't the parent, there was no law that would float him. But he kept Octavia hidden alongside his mother. He was punished in other ways (no visitation to his sister, a demotion, a quiet empty apartment), that sometimes the floating felt like the kinder option.]
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The hesitation seems to bring him the awareness needed to realize what he's done, and for a moment he looks a little embarrassed. He doesn't let that expression stay long though when Bellamy answers his question honestly.]
Maybe that would have been worse...not know what really happened. [A beat. And then:] ...there was a fire at our college during the big tech expo. I was presenting one of my inventions hoping to get accepted to the school, but right after that a really huge fire broke out and we heard that one of Tadashi's professors was trapped in the building. I tried to stop Tadashi from running back inside but he pulled away and ran up the stairs to the expo hall. [Bellamy can guess how the rest of this went. Tadashi exploded, and Hiro watched.]
That was the last time I saw him. Sometimes I still dream about it. Sometimes I wonder if I fought harder if I could have stopped him from running inside. [A deep breath.] I tried to follow him but I didn't get far before things made it impossible to go after him. But I--we're in the Drabwurld. That's why I push past it.
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[But. But then Hiro keeps talking. It isn't hard to figure out where the story goes, to pick up on the fact that the last time Hiro saw his brother, Tadashi was walking into a ticking time bomb. Bellamy has seen plenty of deaths in his life, has caused some of those deaths (shoving bullets into necks, strangling necks, the noose around his own neck). But nothing to that extent. He can't possibly fucking imagine watching Octavia die. He's done a lot of stupid shit to prevent that.]
[He can also imagine himself in Tadashi's shoes, on some level. He's done a lot of stupid shit to keep people alive too, and for a moment, he thinks about trading himself for Jasper.]
It's not your fault. [A beat.] Don't beat yourself up over not being able to save him, okay?
[He hesitates, because - he knows what he wants to say, though it's not like he ever talks about this sort of thing much. But he thinks it might help, for Hiro to hear it, for him to know he's not alone, even if it's not entirely the same.] I dream about death all the time. Things back home, even if I am in the Drabwurld - it's still with me here. Don't push passed it to the point where it makes you numb, or makes living with it worse.
I can't tell you it'll go away. It might not ever. But it doesn't mean suck up and deal is the only option all the time.
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It's also for that reason that he chooses to continue. He shrinks into his sweater, almost trying to make himself disappear even as he continues to talk.]
He didn't listen to me. [The tone's very quiet, like he still can't believe it after all this time.] I told him not to go in there and he didn't listen to me. ["I begged him not to leave." It's an idle thought, something that's stayed with him for a while. It's not so much beating himself up over not being able to save Tadashi, but it's about not being able to stop him and also slight bitterness that Tadashi did it anyway. It was only after he jumped through the portal to rescue Abigail that he truly understood.
…and speaking of Abigail…one step at a time, Hiro.]
Anyway, I already tried that. Pushing past it? I tried that for a while back home and didn't talk to anybody because everything would have been fine if I just…[Ignored it? Willed the misery away? He's not sure what he was thinking.] I thought it'd work back there and I thought it'd work here, and I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but. [There's a pause…and he settles for sort of burrowing his face into his sweater.] I don't know how else to deal with it. Everybody around here has problems and they handle things just fine. [Better.] I'm trying to get there instead of following the path I did back home. How does everybody else deal with this stuff?
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Maybe you just don't see them handling it. [A beat.] Everyone - we all deal with these things differently. I don't have a single answer for you. I think we all try to ignore them, but in the end, it's still impossible to escape.
[He watches Hiro steadily, trying to figure out where to go, what to say from here. The hardest part is how open it makes him. But reassuring Hiro seems to outweigh his discomfort.] I've made too many mistakes. I can't - take them back. I just try to do better. You tried to stop your brother, Hiro, but it isn't your fault that you couldn't.
If you don't know what to do, how to deal with it - [He breathes in a little.] What would Tadashi do? I think about my mother, what she'd expect or want for me. I think about what I want of me.
It isn't the same. [Bellamy's demons are corpses he put in the ground; Hiro's are wrapped up in a brother he couldn't save.] And maybe no one is actually dealing with it, but we're trying anyway. I've had nightmares the whole time I've been here. It's - people. It's my sister, it's Clarke, I think about them. I talk to them.
We have to keep living. Nobody is a machine, no matter how hard we might want to be sometimes. You can't sleep. So stop pretending otherwise, stop hiding it, and go from there.
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Maybe nobody's good at handling anything. There's too much happening all the time in this world, let alone the baggage people brought from home. Tadashi...would try to help those people. That's the thing. Tadashi would try to help those people and he'd be selfless in his own issues. That's always how Tadashi's been while Hiro's been selfish. But it's a nice thought and it's...good to know he isn't alone in that regard. He finally sighs, nodding in response as he finally just sort of slides and almost lays on his side to curl into a ball.]
...fine. I can't sleep and it's only partially because of nightmares. Happy?
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No. I'm not happy - but I'm glad you're not gonna try hiding it for the rest of this trip. I - sometimes it's easier to deal with, if you just acknowledge it. [He hunches over, not laying down himself, but getting a little more comfortable.] Get up and walk around for five minutes, if you need to. Don't sit there with your thoughts.
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Yeah...I might do that. I'll stay inside our perimeters though, promise. [He huffs lightly then.] ...but until I figure out how to fix things it's not going to stop. So I need to work on that, too. [He's not exactly explaining what "that" is, but it's hard to talk about still.] ...thanks, Bellamy.
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[A beat, where he feels awkward for a moment over the thank you; he never really expects these things.] Don't mention it. Just - try to get a few hours, if you can. We'll need our energy.
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[It's a teasing tone, but it's clear that he's very serious about Bellamy getting sleep, too.] Slow progress and all.
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