That's the part I'm still working on, but I like to think I'm getting kinda better at it. Thing about the Drabwurld is that it's full of surprises. [Life in general is, really.
It's a little awkward still, mostly because he's still testing the waters of what is and isn't going to push Bellamy's buttons. Jason it's much easier to tell. Clarke he's not sure has buttons when it comes to him. But Bellamy's someone he (lately) admires quite a bit and the idea of accidentally messing that up isn't settling. Especially not now. He knows it's vague though so there's a little huff under his breath.]
No, but if I think about all there is to it, how'm I supposed to keep moving forward and focus on what's happening here? [It's a rhetorical question, mostly.] But I get it even though I think you're wrong still. It's not pretending if I acknowledge it when there's time. And...right now there isn't. [Not while they're on a mission. Still, there's a beat.] ...Bell? Did you watch your mom get floated?
[Again, not noticing he's shortened Bellamy's name. Oh well.]
I'll work on it with you, next time we get to training. [It's a casual offer, even Bellamy's tone is careless about it. It's a nonissue.]
[He frowns. Hiro is right, and Bellamy is plenty guilty of doing the same thing, refusing to acknowledge when he's not okay, especially if there are more pressing matters.] No, you're right. It's harder when the time isn't there. But you don't have to pretend right now.
[He doesn't answer the question right away. His eyebrows scrunch, and he's pointedly not looking at Hiro. Only belatedly does he realize what the kid's called him, and it's the nickname usage that has him answering honestly.] No. I wasn't allowed to be there.
[Since he wasn't the parent, there was no law that would float him. But he kept Octavia hidden alongside his mother. He was punished in other ways (no visitation to his sister, a demotion, a quiet empty apartment), that sometimes the floating felt like the kinder option.]
Whatever else I can do to arm myself is what I'll do. [Casual though it may be, he takes anything Bellamy offers to be very serious. He knows they're cut from the same pattern and have plenty of the same mannerisms, especially when it comes to things bothering them. When Bellamy tells him he doesn't have to pretend that he's fine, he hesitates, unsure of what that really means.
The hesitation seems to bring him the awareness needed to realize what he's done, and for a moment he looks a little embarrassed. He doesn't let that expression stay long though when Bellamy answers his question honestly.]
Maybe that would have been worse...not know what really happened. [A beat. And then:] ...there was a fire at our college during the big tech expo. I was presenting one of my inventions hoping to get accepted to the school, but right after that a really huge fire broke out and we heard that one of Tadashi's professors was trapped in the building. I tried to stop Tadashi from running back inside but he pulled away and ran up the stairs to the expo hall. [Bellamy can guess how the rest of this went. Tadashi exploded, and Hiro watched.]
That was the last time I saw him. Sometimes I still dream about it. Sometimes I wonder if I fought harder if I could have stopped him from running inside. [A deep breath.] I tried to follow him but I didn't get far before things made it impossible to go after him. But I--we're in the Drabwurld. That's why I push past it.
[His voice goes quiet.] I know what happened, even if I didn't see it firsthand. [Stories of what happens when someone is floated were circulated as long as Bellamy could remember.]
[But. But then Hiro keeps talking. It isn't hard to figure out where the story goes, to pick up on the fact that the last time Hiro saw his brother, Tadashi was walking into a ticking time bomb. Bellamy has seen plenty of deaths in his life, has caused some of those deaths (shoving bullets into necks, strangling necks, the noose around his own neck). But nothing to that extent. He can't possibly fucking imagine watching Octavia die. He's done a lot of stupid shit to prevent that.]
[He can also imagine himself in Tadashi's shoes, on some level. He's done a lot of stupid shit to keep people alive too, and for a moment, he thinks about trading himself for Jasper.]
It's not your fault. [A beat.] Don't beat yourself up over not being able to save him, okay?
[He hesitates, because - he knows what he wants to say, though it's not like he ever talks about this sort of thing much. But he thinks it might help, for Hiro to hear it, for him to know he's not alone, even if it's not entirely the same.] I dream about death all the time. Things back home, even if I am in the Drabwurld - it's still with me here. Don't push passed it to the point where it makes you numb, or makes living with it worse.
I can't tell you it'll go away. It might not ever. But it doesn't mean suck up and deal is the only option all the time.
[Maybe it would have been worse to only know things from second-hand stories. Maybe it's worse to see it first-hand. This isn't a pissing contest and he knows it because at the end of the day both of them had lost people they were so close to and that they would trade the world for. It's why he trusts Bellamy with this story in particular, something he hasn't spoken of much in his time in the Drabwurld.
It's also for that reason that he chooses to continue. He shrinks into his sweater, almost trying to make himself disappear even as he continues to talk.]
He didn't listen to me. [The tone's very quiet, like he still can't believe it after all this time.] I told him not to go in there and he didn't listen to me. ["I begged him not to leave." It's an idle thought, something that's stayed with him for a while. It's not so much beating himself up over not being able to save Tadashi, but it's about not being able to stop him and also slight bitterness that Tadashi did it anyway. It was only after he jumped through the portal to rescue Abigail that he truly understood.
…and speaking of Abigail…one step at a time, Hiro.]
Anyway, I already tried that. Pushing past it? I tried that for a while back home and didn't talk to anybody because everything would have been fine if I just…[Ignored it? Willed the misery away? He's not sure what he was thinking.] I thought it'd work back there and I thought it'd work here, and I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but. [There's a pause…and he settles for sort of burrowing his face into his sweater.] I don't know how else to deal with it. Everybody around here has problems and they handle things just fine. [Better.] I'm trying to get there instead of following the path I did back home. How does everybody else deal with this stuff?
[Bellamy's face falls, and he just thinks about Octavia; about her cries to leave their apartment, about her cries when she didn't know any better, about the quiet way Hiro speaks and the way it reminds Bellamy that sometimes there's so little he can do for the people he cares about. He can't bring Tadashi back, and he doesn't know the precise way to get Hiro to stop beating himself over it. It's one of his own traits.]
Maybe you just don't see them handling it. [A beat.] Everyone - we all deal with these things differently. I don't have a single answer for you. I think we all try to ignore them, but in the end, it's still impossible to escape.
[He watches Hiro steadily, trying to figure out where to go, what to say from here. The hardest part is how open it makes him. But reassuring Hiro seems to outweigh his discomfort.] I've made too many mistakes. I can't - take them back. I just try to do better. You tried to stop your brother, Hiro, but it isn't your fault that you couldn't.
If you don't know what to do, how to deal with it - [He breathes in a little.] What would Tadashi do? I think about my mother, what she'd expect or want for me. I think about what I want of me.
It isn't the same. [Bellamy's demons are corpses he put in the ground; Hiro's are wrapped up in a brother he couldn't save.] And maybe no one is actually dealing with it, but we're trying anyway. I've had nightmares the whole time I've been here. It's - people. It's my sister, it's Clarke, I think about them. I talk to them.
We have to keep living. Nobody is a machine, no matter how hard we might want to be sometimes. You can't sleep. So stop pretending otherwise, stop hiding it, and go from there.
[Bellamy's trying and that's all Hiro can really ask right now. He's trying hard to help and it makes him feel both sad and grateful and he's actively listening, even if he's still trying to burrow into his hoodie.
Maybe nobody's good at handling anything. There's too much happening all the time in this world, let alone the baggage people brought from home. Tadashi...would try to help those people. That's the thing. Tadashi would try to help those people and he'd be selfless in his own issues. That's always how Tadashi's been while Hiro's been selfish. But it's a nice thought and it's...good to know he isn't alone in that regard. He finally sighs, nodding in response as he finally just sort of slides and almost lays on his side to curl into a ball.]
...fine. I can't sleep and it's only partially because of nightmares. Happy?
[He frowns. Not because of Hiro's reaction, but just because of the whole situation. Hiro's still young. He's a teenager. And Bellamy has spent far too much time with teenagers who get overwhelmed by nightmares.]
No. I'm not happy - but I'm glad you're not gonna try hiding it for the rest of this trip. I - sometimes it's easier to deal with, if you just acknowledge it. [He hunches over, not laying down himself, but getting a little more comfortable.] Get up and walk around for five minutes, if you need to. Don't sit there with your thoughts.
[He doesn't really want to acknowledge it, but he's reached the point where he'll at least listen to what Bellamy says. Clarke told him to listen to Bellamy and stick close. She probably didn't know that it would include this, too.]
Yeah...I might do that. I'll stay inside our perimeters though, promise. [He huffs lightly then.] ...but until I figure out how to fix things it's not going to stop. So I need to work on that, too. [He's not exactly explaining what "that" is, but it's hard to talk about still.] ...thanks, Bellamy.
I know. I'm sorry there isn't an instant fix or solution for you. [He sighs quietly.] Feels like it might be a lifetime process sometimes - but even slow process is better than stagnation. Recognize it. Start from there.
[A beat, where he feels awkward for a moment over the thank you; he never really expects these things.] Don't mention it. Just - try to get a few hours, if you can. We'll need our energy.
For sure. [To both of those things. He knows Bellamy's right, at least, and he can't argue with that. So instead he's just going to focus on settling down.] Same goes for you though. It's not gonna do me any good to be rested up if you're dragging us down.
[It's a teasing tone, but it's clear that he's very serious about Bellamy getting sleep, too.] Slow progress and all.
[Dryly:] I've adapted surprisingly well to running on minimal hours of sleep.
[Which is true. Whether because he couldn't sleep on risk of death, or just couldn't sleep, there have been too many nights to count. He has adapted. But:] I'll get some rest too. Don't worry.
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It's a little awkward still, mostly because he's still testing the waters of what is and isn't going to push Bellamy's buttons. Jason it's much easier to tell. Clarke he's not sure has buttons when it comes to him. But Bellamy's someone he (lately) admires quite a bit and the idea of accidentally messing that up isn't settling. Especially not now. He knows it's vague though so there's a little huff under his breath.]
No, but if I think about all there is to it, how'm I supposed to keep moving forward and focus on what's happening here? [It's a rhetorical question, mostly.] But I get it even though I think you're wrong still. It's not pretending if I acknowledge it when there's time. And...right now there isn't. [Not while they're on a mission. Still, there's a beat.] ...Bell? Did you watch your mom get floated?
[Again, not noticing he's shortened Bellamy's name. Oh well.]
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[He frowns. Hiro is right, and Bellamy is plenty guilty of doing the same thing, refusing to acknowledge when he's not okay, especially if there are more pressing matters.] No, you're right. It's harder when the time isn't there. But you don't have to pretend right now.
[He doesn't answer the question right away. His eyebrows scrunch, and he's pointedly not looking at Hiro. Only belatedly does he realize what the kid's called him, and it's the nickname usage that has him answering honestly.] No. I wasn't allowed to be there.
[Since he wasn't the parent, there was no law that would float him. But he kept Octavia hidden alongside his mother. He was punished in other ways (no visitation to his sister, a demotion, a quiet empty apartment), that sometimes the floating felt like the kinder option.]
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The hesitation seems to bring him the awareness needed to realize what he's done, and for a moment he looks a little embarrassed. He doesn't let that expression stay long though when Bellamy answers his question honestly.]
Maybe that would have been worse...not know what really happened. [A beat. And then:] ...there was a fire at our college during the big tech expo. I was presenting one of my inventions hoping to get accepted to the school, but right after that a really huge fire broke out and we heard that one of Tadashi's professors was trapped in the building. I tried to stop Tadashi from running back inside but he pulled away and ran up the stairs to the expo hall. [Bellamy can guess how the rest of this went. Tadashi exploded, and Hiro watched.]
That was the last time I saw him. Sometimes I still dream about it. Sometimes I wonder if I fought harder if I could have stopped him from running inside. [A deep breath.] I tried to follow him but I didn't get far before things made it impossible to go after him. But I--we're in the Drabwurld. That's why I push past it.
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[But. But then Hiro keeps talking. It isn't hard to figure out where the story goes, to pick up on the fact that the last time Hiro saw his brother, Tadashi was walking into a ticking time bomb. Bellamy has seen plenty of deaths in his life, has caused some of those deaths (shoving bullets into necks, strangling necks, the noose around his own neck). But nothing to that extent. He can't possibly fucking imagine watching Octavia die. He's done a lot of stupid shit to prevent that.]
[He can also imagine himself in Tadashi's shoes, on some level. He's done a lot of stupid shit to keep people alive too, and for a moment, he thinks about trading himself for Jasper.]
It's not your fault. [A beat.] Don't beat yourself up over not being able to save him, okay?
[He hesitates, because - he knows what he wants to say, though it's not like he ever talks about this sort of thing much. But he thinks it might help, for Hiro to hear it, for him to know he's not alone, even if it's not entirely the same.] I dream about death all the time. Things back home, even if I am in the Drabwurld - it's still with me here. Don't push passed it to the point where it makes you numb, or makes living with it worse.
I can't tell you it'll go away. It might not ever. But it doesn't mean suck up and deal is the only option all the time.
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It's also for that reason that he chooses to continue. He shrinks into his sweater, almost trying to make himself disappear even as he continues to talk.]
He didn't listen to me. [The tone's very quiet, like he still can't believe it after all this time.] I told him not to go in there and he didn't listen to me. ["I begged him not to leave." It's an idle thought, something that's stayed with him for a while. It's not so much beating himself up over not being able to save Tadashi, but it's about not being able to stop him and also slight bitterness that Tadashi did it anyway. It was only after he jumped through the portal to rescue Abigail that he truly understood.
…and speaking of Abigail…one step at a time, Hiro.]
Anyway, I already tried that. Pushing past it? I tried that for a while back home and didn't talk to anybody because everything would have been fine if I just…[Ignored it? Willed the misery away? He's not sure what he was thinking.] I thought it'd work back there and I thought it'd work here, and I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but. [There's a pause…and he settles for sort of burrowing his face into his sweater.] I don't know how else to deal with it. Everybody around here has problems and they handle things just fine. [Better.] I'm trying to get there instead of following the path I did back home. How does everybody else deal with this stuff?
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Maybe you just don't see them handling it. [A beat.] Everyone - we all deal with these things differently. I don't have a single answer for you. I think we all try to ignore them, but in the end, it's still impossible to escape.
[He watches Hiro steadily, trying to figure out where to go, what to say from here. The hardest part is how open it makes him. But reassuring Hiro seems to outweigh his discomfort.] I've made too many mistakes. I can't - take them back. I just try to do better. You tried to stop your brother, Hiro, but it isn't your fault that you couldn't.
If you don't know what to do, how to deal with it - [He breathes in a little.] What would Tadashi do? I think about my mother, what she'd expect or want for me. I think about what I want of me.
It isn't the same. [Bellamy's demons are corpses he put in the ground; Hiro's are wrapped up in a brother he couldn't save.] And maybe no one is actually dealing with it, but we're trying anyway. I've had nightmares the whole time I've been here. It's - people. It's my sister, it's Clarke, I think about them. I talk to them.
We have to keep living. Nobody is a machine, no matter how hard we might want to be sometimes. You can't sleep. So stop pretending otherwise, stop hiding it, and go from there.
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Maybe nobody's good at handling anything. There's too much happening all the time in this world, let alone the baggage people brought from home. Tadashi...would try to help those people. That's the thing. Tadashi would try to help those people and he'd be selfless in his own issues. That's always how Tadashi's been while Hiro's been selfish. But it's a nice thought and it's...good to know he isn't alone in that regard. He finally sighs, nodding in response as he finally just sort of slides and almost lays on his side to curl into a ball.]
...fine. I can't sleep and it's only partially because of nightmares. Happy?
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No. I'm not happy - but I'm glad you're not gonna try hiding it for the rest of this trip. I - sometimes it's easier to deal with, if you just acknowledge it. [He hunches over, not laying down himself, but getting a little more comfortable.] Get up and walk around for five minutes, if you need to. Don't sit there with your thoughts.
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Yeah...I might do that. I'll stay inside our perimeters though, promise. [He huffs lightly then.] ...but until I figure out how to fix things it's not going to stop. So I need to work on that, too. [He's not exactly explaining what "that" is, but it's hard to talk about still.] ...thanks, Bellamy.
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[A beat, where he feels awkward for a moment over the thank you; he never really expects these things.] Don't mention it. Just - try to get a few hours, if you can. We'll need our energy.
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[It's a teasing tone, but it's clear that he's very serious about Bellamy getting sleep, too.] Slow progress and all.
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[Which is true. Whether because he couldn't sleep on risk of death, or just couldn't sleep, there have been too many nights to count. He has adapted. But:] I'll get some rest too. Don't worry.