[Before she shows him the locket conversation, there are too many possibilities, none of which he likes. He hates the look on her face, the way her shoulders sink in brokenly, and when the playback ends, Bellamy is, for a moment, at a loss. His loyalty is to Clarke first, so it's anger at Lauralae that he feels first too, before he just turns and sweeps Clarke up into his arms, pulling her close and holding her tightly.]
[Offering a "sorry" doesn't feel adequate enough, but he's not really sure there are any words good enough right now. So, that's where he starts: just holding her, his grip as gentle as it is enclosing. This is what feels most important right now - he'll get to the other reassurances soon.]
( there's a heaving sob into his shoulder when he gathers her into his arms, and it takes her a few moments to know she can wrap her own around him. twisting her fingers painfully tight into his shirt, she presses her face into his shoulder and sobs openly, crying only in a way that can be done with someone you entrust yourself to wholly. because at the beginning and the end of all things, Clarke knows that Bellamy will be there.
Clarke leans her weight into him, and not for the first time in her life, it feels like she might not stop crying. betrayal from people she could have called family runs so much deeper, hurts so much more, and it's downright heartbreaking to feel it again. )
[She doesn't deserve any of this, ever, and he hates it on her, the crushing weight of this kind of betrayal. It's easy to hold her up, to keep her there, no matter how much or hard she leans into him, Bellamy is steady. He cradles the back of her head, muttering nonsensical words of comfort, just to remind her that someone is still there. He doesn't say 'it's okay,' because it's not, not right now. She is so far from okay, and it's incredibly frustrating to feel like he can't do anything about it except keep at her side.]
[He moves though, tiny rocking gestures as he stands there in place, thumb moving gently against her.] I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere.
[He means now, he won't leave her now, but it goes for everything else too.]
( the force of her crying makes her stomach turn unpleasantly, chest burning with the heave of air in and out of her lungs. the panic that rises in her is bone crushing, makes every part of her tremble and shake with the force of it. she had called Lauralae family, loved her, and the pain of this is too much. the loss feels monumental.
it might be that Clarke's tie to the Drabwurld had not been severed, and it may be that Lauralae does not have one that can be cut the way a shardbearers is able to be, but the divide that has been set between them now feels worlds wide, galaxies away. Clarke is sure even if she could reach for her now, Lauralae would be nothing more than a ghost; ethereal, slipping through her fingers, left intangible in the wake of their severed bond.
there's no response to give to Bellamy now, but she does hold on tighter to him; the smallest indicator that she hears him. )
[He's not expecting much of a reply; if anything, he's just glad that she reached out to him, that he can be here with her, for her, to keep that steady presence in the wake of a loss that deep. When her hold tightens, his does the same, an envelope around her with more promises in his grip.]
[Bellamy kisses the side of her head, without thinking, just needing to do something else, something more; he's only a little bit surprised by how natural it feels, how unafraid he is of offering that kind of comfort, how close he keeps to her after it.]
[There are traces of logic he could probably apply against Lauralae, but he's too angry with her to think of them, too angry to care. Her logic is worthless when it does this to Clarke. She is panicked and trembling and Bellamy is furious, but none of that shows. He stays gentle. He stays a solid presence. He stays with Clarke, because there'll never another choice.]
( Clarke only allows herself mere moments more to cry, a rush of emotion as she forces the feelings to move through her. it's a devastation that feels akin to losing Wells, how that betrayal ran so deep that she didn't know how to navigate her way out of it other than by using anger. anger at Wells, anger at the death of her father, anger at the council. there were so many spots to place her rage and frustration and grief that it was easier to be angry than to feel the pain of it.
but here, now, there isn't an anger. it's a loss, a betrayal that she doesn't know how to find her way back from. so she cries, for not knowing what else to do, for having no other way to release the emotions surging through her. she cries until she forces herself to stop, until she's pulling from Bellamy's arms and wiping at her eyes, her face, clearing away the evidence of the tears.
it's an effort to get her breathing under control, but she manages, taking one step back from Bellamy. she can't linger on this, she can't afford to. there are more Banshee's to help, there are more things to do, and she can't just sit in the loss of Lauralae and grieve her like a dying thing. )
I'm sorry for making you come home. I'm- ( a deep breath, steadying. ) I'll be okay.
[She steps back, but Bellamy doesn't. He keeps his hands on her, shifting to her shoulders to keep her close for now, to keep her from leaving just yet. The look he gives her is soft and stubborn, almost aggressively reassuring.] Hey. Don't ever apologize for that. I'll always come home.
[There is very little - next to nothing - that would stop him from coming the moment she called. It's never a burden.] You don't have to be okay right now, you got that? You're allowed to take more time.
[Because he knows Clarke, and he knows she's already thinking about going off into the world, both because she fatally cares and because it'll be a good distraction. She's lost so many people, and Lauralae might not be dead, but the cut off as it was undoubtedly feels like a kind of death. He refuses to lose her to that.]
( Clarke breathes out a laugh, but her emotions are in such overdrive that she actually feels tears gather again. grief is a strange thing, she knows; even laughter can be something that returns the devastation freshly back. but she can't do this right now, she can't.
instead, she reaches up to wipe at her eyes again, shaking her head as she does. )
I know, and I'm not, but there's also too much for me to do that I can't afford to just stand here and cry about this. About her. ( she shakes her head again, as though reaffirming this to herself. ) I'll be fine. I'm- I'm just going to go spend some time in the Queen's library. I need a distraction.
( at least she doesn't try to force a smile, makes no attempt at pretending like she's okay; they both know she isn't, and that's enough for her right now. )
[It worries him, the way she's so determined to dive back into - everything else. He's used to it from her, of course, but it doesn't mean it ever stops being a concern. He squeezes her shoulders, not letting her go yet.]
The library's not going anywhere. You can take five minutes. Enough to get a glass of water, at least.
I'll ask one of Danica's assistants to bring me one. I-
( she takes another breath, steadying herself, because she has to. she can't get lost in this again; she'll process it as she can, but she won't simply exist in those feelings all at once. Clarke can't do that as well as take on everything else. not now. )
I'll be okay. I'll work through it as I can, it's just going to take time. ( she moves out from under his hands then, gathering her things. ) I didn't get over Finn in one day, and I won't with her, either. But at least this time I'll actually deal with it. ( it's a reassurance if she could ever give one. ) I'll see you later, Bell.
[He's still looking at her with too much concern, and he'd still rather her at least spend five minutes at home, but he doesn't want to start an argument. He won't add to her plate, not after that.] I never expected you to. I'm not even telling you to.
Just - you don't have to do it alone, okay? Don't forget to eat or come home.
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[Offering a "sorry" doesn't feel adequate enough, but he's not really sure there are any words good enough right now. So, that's where he starts: just holding her, his grip as gentle as it is enclosing. This is what feels most important right now - he'll get to the other reassurances soon.]
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Clarke leans her weight into him, and not for the first time in her life, it feels like she might not stop crying. betrayal from people she could have called family runs so much deeper, hurts so much more, and it's downright heartbreaking to feel it again. )
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[He moves though, tiny rocking gestures as he stands there in place, thumb moving gently against her.] I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere.
[He means now, he won't leave her now, but it goes for everything else too.]
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it might be that Clarke's tie to the Drabwurld had not been severed, and it may be that Lauralae does not have one that can be cut the way a shardbearers is able to be, but the divide that has been set between them now feels worlds wide, galaxies away. Clarke is sure even if she could reach for her now, Lauralae would be nothing more than a ghost; ethereal, slipping through her fingers, left intangible in the wake of their severed bond.
there's no response to give to Bellamy now, but she does hold on tighter to him; the smallest indicator that she hears him. )
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[Bellamy kisses the side of her head, without thinking, just needing to do something else, something more; he's only a little bit surprised by how natural it feels, how unafraid he is of offering that kind of comfort, how close he keeps to her after it.]
[There are traces of logic he could probably apply against Lauralae, but he's too angry with her to think of them, too angry to care. Her logic is worthless when it does this to Clarke. She is panicked and trembling and Bellamy is furious, but none of that shows. He stays gentle. He stays a solid presence. He stays with Clarke, because there'll never another choice.]
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but here, now, there isn't an anger. it's a loss, a betrayal that she doesn't know how to find her way back from. so she cries, for not knowing what else to do, for having no other way to release the emotions surging through her. she cries until she forces herself to stop, until she's pulling from Bellamy's arms and wiping at her eyes, her face, clearing away the evidence of the tears.
it's an effort to get her breathing under control, but she manages, taking one step back from Bellamy. she can't linger on this, she can't afford to. there are more Banshee's to help, there are more things to do, and she can't just sit in the loss of Lauralae and grieve her like a dying thing. )
I'm sorry for making you come home. I'm- ( a deep breath, steadying. ) I'll be okay.
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[There is very little - next to nothing - that would stop him from coming the moment she called. It's never a burden.] You don't have to be okay right now, you got that? You're allowed to take more time.
[Because he knows Clarke, and he knows she's already thinking about going off into the world, both because she fatally cares and because it'll be a good distraction. She's lost so many people, and Lauralae might not be dead, but the cut off as it was undoubtedly feels like a kind of death. He refuses to lose her to that.]
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instead, she reaches up to wipe at her eyes again, shaking her head as she does. )
I know, and I'm not, but there's also too much for me to do that I can't afford to just stand here and cry about this. About her. ( she shakes her head again, as though reaffirming this to herself. ) I'll be fine. I'm- I'm just going to go spend some time in the Queen's library. I need a distraction.
( at least she doesn't try to force a smile, makes no attempt at pretending like she's okay; they both know she isn't, and that's enough for her right now. )
I'll be home tonight, okay?
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The library's not going anywhere. You can take five minutes. Enough to get a glass of water, at least.
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( she takes another breath, steadying herself, because she has to. she can't get lost in this again; she'll process it as she can, but she won't simply exist in those feelings all at once. Clarke can't do that as well as take on everything else. not now. )
I'll be okay. I'll work through it as I can, it's just going to take time. ( she moves out from under his hands then, gathering her things. ) I didn't get over Finn in one day, and I won't with her, either. But at least this time I'll actually deal with it. ( it's a reassurance if she could ever give one. ) I'll see you later, Bell.
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Just - you don't have to do it alone, okay? Don't forget to eat or come home.
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( once all her things are collected, Clarke shoulders her bag and steps back. )
I won't forget. I'll see you later.
( with that, she teleports. )