( Clarke only allows herself mere moments more to cry, a rush of emotion as she forces the feelings to move through her. it's a devastation that feels akin to losing Wells, how that betrayal ran so deep that she didn't know how to navigate her way out of it other than by using anger. anger at Wells, anger at the death of her father, anger at the council. there were so many spots to place her rage and frustration and grief that it was easier to be angry than to feel the pain of it.
but here, now, there isn't an anger. it's a loss, a betrayal that she doesn't know how to find her way back from. so she cries, for not knowing what else to do, for having no other way to release the emotions surging through her. she cries until she forces herself to stop, until she's pulling from Bellamy's arms and wiping at her eyes, her face, clearing away the evidence of the tears.
it's an effort to get her breathing under control, but she manages, taking one step back from Bellamy. she can't linger on this, she can't afford to. there are more Banshee's to help, there are more things to do, and she can't just sit in the loss of Lauralae and grieve her like a dying thing. )
I'm sorry for making you come home. I'm- ( a deep breath, steadying. ) I'll be okay.
[She steps back, but Bellamy doesn't. He keeps his hands on her, shifting to her shoulders to keep her close for now, to keep her from leaving just yet. The look he gives her is soft and stubborn, almost aggressively reassuring.] Hey. Don't ever apologize for that. I'll always come home.
[There is very little - next to nothing - that would stop him from coming the moment she called. It's never a burden.] You don't have to be okay right now, you got that? You're allowed to take more time.
[Because he knows Clarke, and he knows she's already thinking about going off into the world, both because she fatally cares and because it'll be a good distraction. She's lost so many people, and Lauralae might not be dead, but the cut off as it was undoubtedly feels like a kind of death. He refuses to lose her to that.]
( Clarke breathes out a laugh, but her emotions are in such overdrive that she actually feels tears gather again. grief is a strange thing, she knows; even laughter can be something that returns the devastation freshly back. but she can't do this right now, she can't.
instead, she reaches up to wipe at her eyes again, shaking her head as she does. )
I know, and I'm not, but there's also too much for me to do that I can't afford to just stand here and cry about this. About her. ( she shakes her head again, as though reaffirming this to herself. ) I'll be fine. I'm- I'm just going to go spend some time in the Queen's library. I need a distraction.
( at least she doesn't try to force a smile, makes no attempt at pretending like she's okay; they both know she isn't, and that's enough for her right now. )
[It worries him, the way she's so determined to dive back into - everything else. He's used to it from her, of course, but it doesn't mean it ever stops being a concern. He squeezes her shoulders, not letting her go yet.]
The library's not going anywhere. You can take five minutes. Enough to get a glass of water, at least.
I'll ask one of Danica's assistants to bring me one. I-
( she takes another breath, steadying herself, because she has to. she can't get lost in this again; she'll process it as she can, but she won't simply exist in those feelings all at once. Clarke can't do that as well as take on everything else. not now. )
I'll be okay. I'll work through it as I can, it's just going to take time. ( she moves out from under his hands then, gathering her things. ) I didn't get over Finn in one day, and I won't with her, either. But at least this time I'll actually deal with it. ( it's a reassurance if she could ever give one. ) I'll see you later, Bell.
[He's still looking at her with too much concern, and he'd still rather her at least spend five minutes at home, but he doesn't want to start an argument. He won't add to her plate, not after that.] I never expected you to. I'm not even telling you to.
Just - you don't have to do it alone, okay? Don't forget to eat or come home.
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but here, now, there isn't an anger. it's a loss, a betrayal that she doesn't know how to find her way back from. so she cries, for not knowing what else to do, for having no other way to release the emotions surging through her. she cries until she forces herself to stop, until she's pulling from Bellamy's arms and wiping at her eyes, her face, clearing away the evidence of the tears.
it's an effort to get her breathing under control, but she manages, taking one step back from Bellamy. she can't linger on this, she can't afford to. there are more Banshee's to help, there are more things to do, and she can't just sit in the loss of Lauralae and grieve her like a dying thing. )
I'm sorry for making you come home. I'm- ( a deep breath, steadying. ) I'll be okay.
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[There is very little - next to nothing - that would stop him from coming the moment she called. It's never a burden.] You don't have to be okay right now, you got that? You're allowed to take more time.
[Because he knows Clarke, and he knows she's already thinking about going off into the world, both because she fatally cares and because it'll be a good distraction. She's lost so many people, and Lauralae might not be dead, but the cut off as it was undoubtedly feels like a kind of death. He refuses to lose her to that.]
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instead, she reaches up to wipe at her eyes again, shaking her head as she does. )
I know, and I'm not, but there's also too much for me to do that I can't afford to just stand here and cry about this. About her. ( she shakes her head again, as though reaffirming this to herself. ) I'll be fine. I'm- I'm just going to go spend some time in the Queen's library. I need a distraction.
( at least she doesn't try to force a smile, makes no attempt at pretending like she's okay; they both know she isn't, and that's enough for her right now. )
I'll be home tonight, okay?
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The library's not going anywhere. You can take five minutes. Enough to get a glass of water, at least.
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( she takes another breath, steadying herself, because she has to. she can't get lost in this again; she'll process it as she can, but she won't simply exist in those feelings all at once. Clarke can't do that as well as take on everything else. not now. )
I'll be okay. I'll work through it as I can, it's just going to take time. ( she moves out from under his hands then, gathering her things. ) I didn't get over Finn in one day, and I won't with her, either. But at least this time I'll actually deal with it. ( it's a reassurance if she could ever give one. ) I'll see you later, Bell.
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Just - you don't have to do it alone, okay? Don't forget to eat or come home.
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( once all her things are collected, Clarke shoulders her bag and steps back. )
I won't forget. I'll see you later.
( with that, she teleports. )