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I don't, either. I'm just trained to do what's necessary. [Right now, killing as many people as possible is what's necessary, but he isn't going to spell out that nasty secret to Bellamy. That sounds like news that would be best out of Clarke's mouth.]
But it might not be bad to know how you want to protect people. We're running out of time.
But it might not be bad to know how you want to protect people. We're running out of time.
[She steps back, but Bellamy doesn't. He keeps his hands on her, shifting to her shoulders to keep her close for now, to keep her from leaving just yet. The look he gives her is soft and stubborn, almost aggressively reassuring.] Hey. Don't ever apologize for that. I'll always come home.
[There is very little - next to nothing - that would stop him from coming the moment she called. It's never a burden.] You don't have to be okay right now, you got that? You're allowed to take more time.
[Because he knows Clarke, and he knows she's already thinking about going off into the world, both because she fatally cares and because it'll be a good distraction. She's lost so many people, and Lauralae might not be dead, but the cut off as it was undoubtedly feels like a kind of death. He refuses to lose her to that.]
[There is very little - next to nothing - that would stop him from coming the moment she called. It's never a burden.] You don't have to be okay right now, you got that? You're allowed to take more time.
[Because he knows Clarke, and he knows she's already thinking about going off into the world, both because she fatally cares and because it'll be a good distraction. She's lost so many people, and Lauralae might not be dead, but the cut off as it was undoubtedly feels like a kind of death. He refuses to lose her to that.]
( Clarke breathes out a laugh, but her emotions are in such overdrive that she actually feels tears gather again. grief is a strange thing, she knows; even laughter can be something that returns the devastation freshly back. but she can't do this right now, she can't.
instead, she reaches up to wipe at her eyes again, shaking her head as she does. )
I know, and I'm not, but there's also too much for me to do that I can't afford to just stand here and cry about this. About her. ( she shakes her head again, as though reaffirming this to herself. ) I'll be fine. I'm- I'm just going to go spend some time in the Queen's library. I need a distraction.
( at least she doesn't try to force a smile, makes no attempt at pretending like she's okay; they both know she isn't, and that's enough for her right now. )
I'll be home tonight, okay?
instead, she reaches up to wipe at her eyes again, shaking her head as she does. )
I know, and I'm not, but there's also too much for me to do that I can't afford to just stand here and cry about this. About her. ( she shakes her head again, as though reaffirming this to herself. ) I'll be fine. I'm- I'm just going to go spend some time in the Queen's library. I need a distraction.
( at least she doesn't try to force a smile, makes no attempt at pretending like she's okay; they both know she isn't, and that's enough for her right now. )
I'll be home tonight, okay?
[It worries him, the way she's so determined to dive back into - everything else. He's used to it from her, of course, but it doesn't mean it ever stops being a concern. He squeezes her shoulders, not letting her go yet.]
The library's not going anywhere. You can take five minutes. Enough to get a glass of water, at least.
The library's not going anywhere. You can take five minutes. Enough to get a glass of water, at least.
[At some point, Hiro had tired himself out enough from the onslaught of information from Jason and bad-news sharing with Clarke. He sort of regrets using the pendant Grell had booned him the previous night if only because he could have used it tonight. Instead, he eventually crawls into his bed in his room at the new house and drinks the tea Clarke helped him prepare to sleep.
Even though the potion should have helped, his subconscious was stronger than that. His own thoughts plus the Shuck's curse were enough to drive dreams through the cracks in his mind, twisted little nightmares filled with fires, machinery, destruction, and blood on his hands that couldn't be scrubbed off, glassy blank eyes of everyone he's ever grown close to staring up at him and the dull roar of gears grinding and sharp twinkles like glass.
The mix and medley of dreams is enough for him to wrench himself awake with a sharp gasp, heart pounding and chest heaving for a moment as he stares into the dark. He cringes slightly as he peels his t-shirt away from his sweat-soaked back, kicking off the sheets and swinging his feet over the edge of the bed. He runs his hands through his hair, fluffing it up a bit as he stares at his feet for a moment.
The house is too quiet. It's way too quiet but at the same time it just means his thoughts are too loud, and in that cycle of thoughts he realizes there's something very, very important he's forgotten. Biting his lip, he stands from his bed and silently pads out of his room and down the hall toward Bellamy's. He's hardly under the illusion the other boy's asleep, but even if he were this is a little too important. Stalling outside of his room he waits for a minute before drawing in a breath and knocking softly on the door.
If he's not here, he'll call him. Simple as that.]
Even though the potion should have helped, his subconscious was stronger than that. His own thoughts plus the Shuck's curse were enough to drive dreams through the cracks in his mind, twisted little nightmares filled with fires, machinery, destruction, and blood on his hands that couldn't be scrubbed off, glassy blank eyes of everyone he's ever grown close to staring up at him and the dull roar of gears grinding and sharp twinkles like glass.
The mix and medley of dreams is enough for him to wrench himself awake with a sharp gasp, heart pounding and chest heaving for a moment as he stares into the dark. He cringes slightly as he peels his t-shirt away from his sweat-soaked back, kicking off the sheets and swinging his feet over the edge of the bed. He runs his hands through his hair, fluffing it up a bit as he stares at his feet for a moment.
The house is too quiet. It's way too quiet but at the same time it just means his thoughts are too loud, and in that cycle of thoughts he realizes there's something very, very important he's forgotten. Biting his lip, he stands from his bed and silently pads out of his room and down the hall toward Bellamy's. He's hardly under the illusion the other boy's asleep, but even if he were this is a little too important. Stalling outside of his room he waits for a minute before drawing in a breath and knocking softly on the door.
If he's not here, he'll call him. Simple as that.]
Hell of a preemptive strike. [Once upon a time, he might have mourned Hiro's age with how beaten down he sounds, but he's used to it, and not even in a cynical way. Keeping track of multiple fronts is always difficult, especially when it's someone that young - but they do it anyway. He's seen it too much.]
The Cult can be anywhere. Wouldn't be surprised if they're helping instigate the riots. [He really hopes they aren't there though - he'd rather them not pick him out of the crowd.]
[He nudges Hiro a little with his elbow.] Cult's not keeping you awake with everything else, is it?
[He says it vaguely sympathetically. Bellamy is more than familiar what that feelings is like.]
The Cult can be anywhere. Wouldn't be surprised if they're helping instigate the riots. [He really hopes they aren't there though - he'd rather them not pick him out of the crowd.]
[He nudges Hiro a little with his elbow.] Cult's not keeping you awake with everything else, is it?
[He says it vaguely sympathetically. Bellamy is more than familiar what that feelings is like.]
If you can gather whatever information you can on the castles, on shards -- it could be useful.
[ Because of course John doesn't get that subtext. ]
[ Because of course John doesn't get that subtext. ]
Tell me about it. [He runs a hand through his hair again. He doesn't expect Bellamy to feel bad for him. He's not even sure how he feels about all of these things. It's a lot and it's building and stacking, threatening to overwhelm him entirely...but he's fine for now.] It'd be good cover for them, really. Get everyone's attention off of them so they can execute their next attack. People use distraction tactics all the time. I've seen it before.
[Like when Callaghan used the fire as an excuse to steal Hiro's microbots, for instance.
The little nudge brings him back to reality though and he looks up at Bellamy with wide eyes. For a moment it's so startlingly familiar that he's not sure what to do and he stares before reminding himself that despite how it may seem sometimes, Bellamy isn't Tadashi. There's a deep inhale as he debates how to answer, if he wants to give him the truth or just a lie of omission. In the end, he shakes his head.]
Sort of. There's a ton of stuff to think about here and that includes the Cult. [He's really only addressed this with Jason before, and even then it was more Jason knew because Jason understood. Actually verbalizing it is a whole other animal.] Sleeping's always been a little weird since Tadashi died, even though it's been almost two years if you count the time we've spent here.
[He doesn't outright say it, but it should be enough to let Bellamy know just how recent Tadashi's death is.] Sometimes I still dream about home. Sometimes they're good dreams, and sometimes they're not. That's all.
[Like when Callaghan used the fire as an excuse to steal Hiro's microbots, for instance.
The little nudge brings him back to reality though and he looks up at Bellamy with wide eyes. For a moment it's so startlingly familiar that he's not sure what to do and he stares before reminding himself that despite how it may seem sometimes, Bellamy isn't Tadashi. There's a deep inhale as he debates how to answer, if he wants to give him the truth or just a lie of omission. In the end, he shakes his head.]
Sort of. There's a ton of stuff to think about here and that includes the Cult. [He's really only addressed this with Jason before, and even then it was more Jason knew because Jason understood. Actually verbalizing it is a whole other animal.] Sleeping's always been a little weird since Tadashi died, even though it's been almost two years if you count the time we've spent here.
[He doesn't outright say it, but it should be enough to let Bellamy know just how recent Tadashi's death is.] Sometimes I still dream about home. Sometimes they're good dreams, and sometimes they're not. That's all.
[He frowns a little, briefly wondering what specifically Hiro has seen, but he doesn't ask.] Distraction works. It's old as hell, but there's a reason it's still around as a tactic. The important part is picking up on when it's being used on you.
[There's a small moment of hesitation when Hiro looks up at him like that, but at least it doesn't scare him. It doesn't even make him uncomfortable. When Hiro starts talking about Tadashi though - Bellamy's body sinks, not in uncertainty but just recognition of the moment for what it is. And he listens.]
You realize how vague that sounds, right? [The words are dismissive strung together like that, but his tone is concerned. Two years, and Tadashi died right before Hiro got yanked into another world. He kind of has the urge to just drop a blanket on the kid's head.] That's not all there is to it. You keeping awake like you are these last nights isn't a 'sometimes bad dream.'
[It's experience he speaks from and a hint of commiseration. Bellamy has spent a very long time with his nightmares.] I didn't sleep for weeks, after my mom was floated and Octavia was arrested. You don't have to pretend everything is fine.
[There's a small moment of hesitation when Hiro looks up at him like that, but at least it doesn't scare him. It doesn't even make him uncomfortable. When Hiro starts talking about Tadashi though - Bellamy's body sinks, not in uncertainty but just recognition of the moment for what it is. And he listens.]
You realize how vague that sounds, right? [The words are dismissive strung together like that, but his tone is concerned. Two years, and Tadashi died right before Hiro got yanked into another world. He kind of has the urge to just drop a blanket on the kid's head.] That's not all there is to it. You keeping awake like you are these last nights isn't a 'sometimes bad dream.'
[It's experience he speaks from and a hint of commiseration. Bellamy has spent a very long time with his nightmares.] I didn't sleep for weeks, after my mom was floated and Octavia was arrested. You don't have to pretend everything is fine.
That's the part I'm still working on, but I like to think I'm getting kinda better at it. Thing about the Drabwurld is that it's full of surprises. [Life in general is, really.
It's a little awkward still, mostly because he's still testing the waters of what is and isn't going to push Bellamy's buttons. Jason it's much easier to tell. Clarke he's not sure has buttons when it comes to him. But Bellamy's someone he (lately) admires quite a bit and the idea of accidentally messing that up isn't settling. Especially not now. He knows it's vague though so there's a little huff under his breath.]
No, but if I think about all there is to it, how'm I supposed to keep moving forward and focus on what's happening here? [It's a rhetorical question, mostly.] But I get it even though I think you're wrong still. It's not pretending if I acknowledge it when there's time. And...right now there isn't. [Not while they're on a mission. Still, there's a beat.] ...Bell? Did you watch your mom get floated?
[Again, not noticing he's shortened Bellamy's name. Oh well.]
It's a little awkward still, mostly because he's still testing the waters of what is and isn't going to push Bellamy's buttons. Jason it's much easier to tell. Clarke he's not sure has buttons when it comes to him. But Bellamy's someone he (lately) admires quite a bit and the idea of accidentally messing that up isn't settling. Especially not now. He knows it's vague though so there's a little huff under his breath.]
No, but if I think about all there is to it, how'm I supposed to keep moving forward and focus on what's happening here? [It's a rhetorical question, mostly.] But I get it even though I think you're wrong still. It's not pretending if I acknowledge it when there's time. And...right now there isn't. [Not while they're on a mission. Still, there's a beat.] ...Bell? Did you watch your mom get floated?
[Again, not noticing he's shortened Bellamy's name. Oh well.]
[Yeah, that went over his head, but Bellamy's pretty sure whatever John might need mostly lines up with the Red Hand at this point anyway.]
I've been looking into shards already, last month and this one coming. As soon as I hear back from the people I'm sending out, I'll pass it along.
[A beat.] I don't spend a lot of time in Caer Scima, that might be a little harder.
I've been looking into shards already, last month and this one coming. As soon as I hear back from the people I'm sending out, I'll pass it along.
[A beat.] I don't spend a lot of time in Caer Scima, that might be a little harder.
Anything else you think could help, too.
[ John scratches at the back of his neck. ]
[ John scratches at the back of his neck. ]
And I'm sure you have zero ideas about what's going to be necessary. [Sarcastic?? Ofc!!! Bellamy knows things aren't going well for the unseelie, and he's not stupid enough to realize what might end up being the big plan. It always seems to come down to that big plan, when it comes to the monarchs and when it comes to the court itself. He doesn't want them to lose, but he's still not sold on slaughtering the seelie either. Not with the Red Hand plan in the back of his mind.]
[He rolls his shoulder in a shrug.] Keeping them alive is usually how protecting them works. I know you're looking for details - but I don't have any. I haven't coordinated yet.
[He rolls his shoulder in a shrug.] Keeping them alive is usually how protecting them works. I know you're looking for details - but I don't have any. I haven't coordinated yet.
I'll work on it with you, next time we get to training. [It's a casual offer, even Bellamy's tone is careless about it. It's a nonissue.]
[He frowns. Hiro is right, and Bellamy is plenty guilty of doing the same thing, refusing to acknowledge when he's not okay, especially if there are more pressing matters.] No, you're right. It's harder when the time isn't there. But you don't have to pretend right now.
[He doesn't answer the question right away. His eyebrows scrunch, and he's pointedly not looking at Hiro. Only belatedly does he realize what the kid's called him, and it's the nickname usage that has him answering honestly.] No. I wasn't allowed to be there.
[Since he wasn't the parent, there was no law that would float him. But he kept Octavia hidden alongside his mother. He was punished in other ways (no visitation to his sister, a demotion, a quiet empty apartment), that sometimes the floating felt like the kinder option.]
[He frowns. Hiro is right, and Bellamy is plenty guilty of doing the same thing, refusing to acknowledge when he's not okay, especially if there are more pressing matters.] No, you're right. It's harder when the time isn't there. But you don't have to pretend right now.
[He doesn't answer the question right away. His eyebrows scrunch, and he's pointedly not looking at Hiro. Only belatedly does he realize what the kid's called him, and it's the nickname usage that has him answering honestly.] No. I wasn't allowed to be there.
[Since he wasn't the parent, there was no law that would float him. But he kept Octavia hidden alongside his mother. He was punished in other ways (no visitation to his sister, a demotion, a quiet empty apartment), that sometimes the floating felt like the kinder option.]
Yeah, but you're part of the intelligence division.
[ A snort. ]
Thanks, Bellamy.
[ And he means that. ]
[ A snort. ]
Thanks, Bellamy.
[ And he means that. ]
Whatever else I can do to arm myself is what I'll do. [Casual though it may be, he takes anything Bellamy offers to be very serious. He knows they're cut from the same pattern and have plenty of the same mannerisms, especially when it comes to things bothering them. When Bellamy tells him he doesn't have to pretend that he's fine, he hesitates, unsure of what that really means.
The hesitation seems to bring him the awareness needed to realize what he's done, and for a moment he looks a little embarrassed. He doesn't let that expression stay long though when Bellamy answers his question honestly.]
Maybe that would have been worse...not know what really happened. [A beat. And then:] ...there was a fire at our college during the big tech expo. I was presenting one of my inventions hoping to get accepted to the school, but right after that a really huge fire broke out and we heard that one of Tadashi's professors was trapped in the building. I tried to stop Tadashi from running back inside but he pulled away and ran up the stairs to the expo hall. [Bellamy can guess how the rest of this went. Tadashi exploded, and Hiro watched.]
That was the last time I saw him. Sometimes I still dream about it. Sometimes I wonder if I fought harder if I could have stopped him from running inside. [A deep breath.] I tried to follow him but I didn't get far before things made it impossible to go after him. But I--we're in the Drabwurld. That's why I push past it.
The hesitation seems to bring him the awareness needed to realize what he's done, and for a moment he looks a little embarrassed. He doesn't let that expression stay long though when Bellamy answers his question honestly.]
Maybe that would have been worse...not know what really happened. [A beat. And then:] ...there was a fire at our college during the big tech expo. I was presenting one of my inventions hoping to get accepted to the school, but right after that a really huge fire broke out and we heard that one of Tadashi's professors was trapped in the building. I tried to stop Tadashi from running back inside but he pulled away and ran up the stairs to the expo hall. [Bellamy can guess how the rest of this went. Tadashi exploded, and Hiro watched.]
That was the last time I saw him. Sometimes I still dream about it. Sometimes I wonder if I fought harder if I could have stopped him from running inside. [A deep breath.] I tried to follow him but I didn't get far before things made it impossible to go after him. But I--we're in the Drabwurld. That's why I push past it.
[The glare Jason throws Bellamy at the first remarkable is unmistakable. Unable to spell out the reality of theirs situation—again, Jason feels like that's an explanation that two close friends should share, not ... whatever he is to Bellamy half the time—he lets it pass. He had wanted to know if he had any ideas. For someone who's so damn determined to do things his own way, he sure as hell doesn't have any alternatives to offer up.
Jason suspects that he isn't that surprised. Or maybe he's just being cruel about Bellamy's approach to things, and his way of thinking.
That's probable, too.]
Well, let me know, [he finally offers succinctly, a more neutral expression overtaking his face. He finishes up his water, and stretches his back.]
I'm gonna get going. I've got work to do.
Jason suspects that he isn't that surprised. Or maybe he's just being cruel about Bellamy's approach to things, and his way of thinking.
That's probable, too.]
Well, let me know, [he finally offers succinctly, a more neutral expression overtaking his face. He finishes up his water, and stretches his back.]
I'm gonna get going. I've got work to do.
I'll ask one of Danica's assistants to bring me one. I-
( she takes another breath, steadying herself, because she has to. she can't get lost in this again; she'll process it as she can, but she won't simply exist in those feelings all at once. Clarke can't do that as well as take on everything else. not now. )
I'll be okay. I'll work through it as I can, it's just going to take time. ( she moves out from under his hands then, gathering her things. ) I didn't get over Finn in one day, and I won't with her, either. But at least this time I'll actually deal with it. ( it's a reassurance if she could ever give one. ) I'll see you later, Bell.
( she takes another breath, steadying herself, because she has to. she can't get lost in this again; she'll process it as she can, but she won't simply exist in those feelings all at once. Clarke can't do that as well as take on everything else. not now. )
I'll be okay. I'll work through it as I can, it's just going to take time. ( she moves out from under his hands then, gathering her things. ) I didn't get over Finn in one day, and I won't with her, either. But at least this time I'll actually deal with it. ( it's a reassurance if she could ever give one. ) I'll see you later, Bell.
[He's home, for once, though he isn't sleeping. Sleep hasn't come much easier to him over the last month, adjustments and difficulties getting comfortable. He knows he's safe, but the middle of the night alone casts doubt on that security now and then.]
[Bellamy hears the knock, and so does Bellona, the kitten immediately jumping from the bed and trotting for the door. The footsteps were quiet enough outside that he suspects Hiro more than his sister, but either option is easy enough to roll out of bed for.]
[He cracks open the door to confirm it's Hiro, and Bellona bursts through, rubbing her face on Hiro's legs. All it takes is one look at the kid, and any sense of his own tiredness disappears, replaced by concern as he opens the door much wider.]
What's up? [He could ask what's wrong, but he figures he'll get the answer to that soon enough, beyond the typical "can't sleep" that seems to be getting both of them.]
[Bellamy hears the knock, and so does Bellona, the kitten immediately jumping from the bed and trotting for the door. The footsteps were quiet enough outside that he suspects Hiro more than his sister, but either option is easy enough to roll out of bed for.]
[He cracks open the door to confirm it's Hiro, and Bellona bursts through, rubbing her face on Hiro's legs. All it takes is one look at the kid, and any sense of his own tiredness disappears, replaced by concern as he opens the door much wider.]
What's up? [He could ask what's wrong, but he figures he'll get the answer to that soon enough, beyond the typical "can't sleep" that seems to be getting both of them.]
[Immediately when Bellona nuzzles at Hiro's shins he swoops down to scoop the kitten up, cradling her in his hands much like someone who's very used to cats. He glances up at Bellamy when the door opens wider and he shrugs slightly, trying to appear as calm and casual as possible. It's a lot of news to deliver. It's best to take it one step at a time.]
Woke up. ["From a nightmare" goes unsaid. He shifts Bellona in his hands before attempting to meet Bellamy's eyes, gauging for any sort of reading of expression.] ...can I talk to you about something? It's kinda important.
["Kinda" is an understatement, but still.]
Woke up. ["From a nightmare" goes unsaid. He shifts Bellona in his hands before attempting to meet Bellamy's eyes, gauging for any sort of reading of expression.] ...can I talk to you about something? It's kinda important.
["Kinda" is an understatement, but still.]
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