( her hands finally find him, reaching for his shoulders, fingers twisting into the fabric of his shirt as she clutches him. holds tightly as though, should she let go, he might be gone again. and that's the fear, isn't it? that she isn't really awake in the Drabwurld, that it's a dream while she's home.

breaths coming in stuttered gasps, she presses her forehead into his shoulder, choking back on a noise that tries to escape. she killed Finn. she killed him and it's the type of blood that she'll never be able to get off, not even here in the Drabwurld. and when it got to be too much, when the guilt was ready to swallow her whole, she sent Bellamy away instead of falling back on his support.

he says he doesn't blame her, but- )

I blame myself.

( for not finding Finn sooner, for not keeping him safe, for not finding a different way that spared his life, for agreeing with Lexa about weaknesses, for sending Bellamy away. she blames herself, because there is no one else to blame. )

I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know- ( her fingers tighten their grip in his shirt and she lifts her head to look at him properly, desperation leveled in her gaze. ) What do you remember? What happened at Mount Weather? Bellamy I need to know what happened to you.